Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
