I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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