You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
