Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
