Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I don't want my vagina anymore.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
