Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
