why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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