My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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