So drunk its hurt
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
