Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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