Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
