There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
