Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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