She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
