Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
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