he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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