Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
