My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
