Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
