hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
