Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
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he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
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I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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