Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
