So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Oh god it's open bar.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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