i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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