i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
even my farts smell like vagina
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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