There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
