I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
