The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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