At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I pour the whiskey from now on
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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