Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
