i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
