I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
