you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
