Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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