Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
