Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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