i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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