I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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