Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
