My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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