Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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