someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
