census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
