the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
