Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
