Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
