my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
