Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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