Pappa wants mamma naked
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
