made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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