listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
