So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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