last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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