yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
