Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
