The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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