dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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