I want to have your abortion
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
