Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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