I met the friendliest cop last night
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
