Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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