I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
