i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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