I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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