I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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