I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
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