I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
i think i just naturally attract stoners
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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